Case Study
How to Hold Difficult Conversation
If you manage people, work in Human Resources, or care about your friends at work, chances are good that one day you will need to hold a difficult conversation.
Have you ever worked alongside an employee who had poor personal hygiene, foul smelling clothes or breath, or an annoying personal habit, like making clicking noises? Or worse, the employee drinks heavily in the evening and then exudes the smell of alcohol, often mixed with the equally fetid smell of coffee and cigarettes, all day at work?
Or, worst on the list of most challenging issues, the employee's breath, and pores exude a spicy aroma that makes you ill; the employee's clothes are clean, but he or she appears to bathe infrequently, and you're positive that saying anything would be culturally insensitive. Welcome to the workplace situations from hell.
Tips for Holding Difficult Conversations
• Start with a soft approach to set the employee at ease, but don't beat around the bush. The employee's level of anxiety is already sky high and making more small talk while he waits for the bad news to emerge, is cruel. Once you've told him that you want to discuss a difficult topic, move right in to the topic of your difficult conversation.
• Tell the employee directly what the problem is as you perceive it. If you talk around the issue or soften the impact of the issue too much, the employee may never get that the problem is serious. If you reference the problem as "some of our employees do the following," the employee may never understand that you mean him.
• Whenever possible, attach the feedback to a business issue. This is not a personal vendetta; the difficult conversation has a direct business purpose. Perhaps you've noticed the lack of volunteers as other employees don't want to participate on his team. Perhaps his appearance is affecting the perception of customers about the quality of your center. Maybe an irritating mannerism has caused a customer to request a different team member. Make the business purpose of the conversation clear.
• Let the employee know that not only is the behavior affecting the business and his or her coworkers, it is affecting the employee's career. Express directly the impact you believe the behavior is having on his or her potential promotions, raises, career opportunities, and relationships in the workplace.
• Be sensitive to the fact that different cultures have different norms and standards for appearance, bathing, and dress. I'd probably leave this discussion to the employee's manager, but your workplace is justified in asking employees to embrace the cultural standards of the workplace in which the employee is working. This is especially true if nonconformance to the standard is interfering with the harmony and productivity of your workplace.
• Be sensitive to the difference in cooking and eating traditions, too. A woman confided to me recently that her fellow students had laughed at her and made fun of her because she always smelled like curry and garlic and other pungent spices. As a working adult, she has toned down the amount of spice in her cooking, but she was injured by the thoughtlessness for years. Heck, my own father used to regularly complain that I smelled like garlic, and he didn't mean it as a compliment; he was not fond of garlic, and I am.
• If an employee has repeatedly tried to correct a hygiene issue such as bad breath, and is not making progress, suggest that the employee see a physician to determine if an underlying medical condition might be causing the problem. Your thoughtfulness could save an employee's life.
• Finally, if you are the employee's supervisor, you owe it to the employee to hold the difficult conversation. Especially if other employees have complained to you, understand that if you don't hold the difficult conversation, the employee's coworkers will.
You can become effective at holding difficult conversations. Practice and these steps will help build your comfort level to hold difficult conversations. After all, a difficult conversation can make the difference between success and failure for a valued employee. Care enough about the team member and your productive, harmonious workplace to hold the difficult conversation.
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